Two Quotes That Changed How My Therapy Clients Think About Stress
“If the problem can be solved, why worry? If the problem cannot be solved, worrying will do you no good.”
I have used this quote in many a group therapy sessions to promote stress management through a solution-focused lens. This old saying is very practical – if something can be done about a problematic circumstance, then by all means, do something to address it. If nothing can be done, dwelling and fixating negatively will almost always not help to accomplish anything positive. Doing something else unrelated yet productive would surely be a better use of time and energy.
Nevertheless, one distinction tends to arise when exploring insights from this quote: it is easier said than done. As profound as it is in its simplicity (something I think is valuable in our fast-paced world), it is just that for many of us – too simplistic. We all worry, and understandably about important things: life, provisions, health, the well-being of others, death, to name a few. I think the ancient adage can be a useful starting point to break down and approach stressors we have (not too dissimilar to AA / 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer). Do what we can where we can with what we have.
For the other complexities in life aforementioned, I often pair another quote to fill in the missing gap. To pay homage to the recently passed Lou Holtz:
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
I like this because it implies that we all have the stressors of life that we carry. They may differ in weight, size, quantity, what have you, but we all have them. Likewise, out capacity to carry them differs – our strength, tools, and support. It also implies that no matter the setup, we each have a direct influence as to how we choose to carry these loads / stressors. Plenty of problems could be just as simply ‘solved’ by making a sincere apology although they are neither easy nor appealing to do by any means. There is no guarantee of outcome for better or worse or anywhere in between, but c’est la vie.
I would often encourage group members to explore the things they carry which are most heavy or painful to them. Sometimes things have been thrust upon us. Other times we pick them up. Sometimes, others – by obligation or manipulation – expect us to carry something which we may not even need to carry. Do I need to be carrying this? And even if I must, need I do it alone? Need I do it constantly, without rest? Need I do it lest I feel guilt or shame that is undeserved? Need I know how to do it most effectively without support, encouragement, or even experience?
We have choices – choices to let go, choices to learn skills and strengths to be resourceful, choices to rest when appropriate, and choices to reach out for help to support the difficult load when its helpful and needed. Our team is here for as many of these that you may need along your life’s journey.
