The Problem with "I Can't Help It"

"I can't help it" is one of the most common things people say in therapy. And it's one of the most dangerous.

I can't help being anxious. I can't help getting angry. I can't help using substances. I can't help avoiding things. I can't help my depression. I can't help how I react. I can't help it.

When you say you can't help something, you remove all your agency. You make yourself powerless. You put yourself in a position where change is impossible because it's out of your control.

And in most cases, that's just not true.

I'm not saying you're choosing to be depressed or anxious or traumatized. I'm not saying mental health isn't real. I'm not saying you can just decide to feel better and make it happen.

What I'm saying is that even within mental illness, even within difficult circumstances, even when things are genuinely hard, you still have choices about how you respond.

You might not be able to help feeling anxious. But you can help whether you avoid the thing that makes you anxious or do it anyway.

You might not be able to help feeling angry. But you can help whether you yell at someone or take a minute to cool down.

You might not be able to help having cravings. But you can help whether you drink or call your sponsor.

You might not be able to help feeling depressed. But you can help whether you stay in bed all day or get up and do one small thing.

The feeling might not be a choice. But your response to the feeling is.

And this matters because "I can't help it" keeps you stuck. It makes change impossible. It puts all the power outside of you.

But "this is hard and I'm struggling with it, but I can choose how I respond" gives you power back. It acknowledges the difficulty without removing your agency.

Here's what I see all the time: someone does something that makes their life worse (drinks too much, blows up at loved ones, avoids responsibilities, isolates, whatever). When confronted, they say "I can't help it." Maybe they blame their mental health, their past, their circumstances, their biology. And all of those things might be real factors. But they're using them as an excuse to avoid responsibility.

If you can't help it, you don't have to change it. You don't have to do the hard work. You can just keep doing the same thing and blame forces outside your control.

That's bullshit, and on some level, you know it's bullshit.

You might not be able to help your first response. But you can help your second response. You can help whether you interrupt the pattern or let it run. You can help whether you practice skills or don't. You can help whether you ask for help or suffer alone.

All of that is within your control, even when things are hard.

Are there situations where someone genuinely can't control something? Yes. Psychosis, severe mania, some trauma responses, dissociation. There are states where people genuinely aren't making choices. But that's not what most people mean when they say "I can't help it."

Most people mean "it's hard and I don't want to and it's easier to blame something else."

And I get it. Taking responsibility is uncomfortable. It means you have to do something different. It means you can't hide behind your diagnosis or your past or your circumstances.

But it also means you have power. You're not just a victim of your brain chemistry or your history or bad luck. You can make choices. You can do things differently. You can change.

That's hard. But it's also hopeful.

So the next time you catch yourself saying "I can't help it," stop and ask yourself: is that actually true? Or am I removing my own agency to avoid taking responsibility?

If it's genuinely out of your control, that's one thing. Get help. Work with a provider to manage symptoms that are overwhelming.

But if you've got any control at all, own it. That control is what lets you change.