The Story I’m Telling Myself Is…
One of the most powerful ideas that comes up again and again in therapy, and one that Dr. John returns to often on his podcast “The Dr. John Delony Show” is deceptively simple:
“The story I’m telling myself is…”
Not the facts.
Not the diagnosis.
Not the outcome.
It’s a story.
Because long before anxiety becomes panic, before resentment hardens into distance, before shame turns into withdrawal, there is almost always a quiet narrative running in the background. It’s a story we don’t realize we’re telling ourselves and, therefore, never stop to question.
At LiveWell Psychiatry & Men’s Health, this shows up daily.
Stories Are Not Lies. They’re Interpretations
When patients come in, they rarely say, “I’m stuck in a narrative loop.”
They say things like:
• “I’m failing my family.”
• “If I loosen my standards, everything will fall apart.”
• “I have to carry this alone.”
• “If I’m not in control, I’m unsafe.”
• “If I mess this up, I’ll lose everything.”
These aren’t lies. They’re interpretations, formed under stress, fear, past experiences, and sometimes trauma. The danger isn’t that we tell ourselves stories, it’s that we confuse the story with reality.
Once that happens, every decision becomes reactive.
Every boundary becomes a threat.
Every mistake feels catastrophic.
How Anxiety Feeds on the Story
Anxiety doesn’t usually come from what is happening.
It comes from what we think it means.
The nervous system responds not to logic, but to perceived threat. And perceived threat is shaped by a narrative.
If the story is:
“If I don’t hold the line perfectly, everything collapses.”
Then the body responds with hypervigilance, rigidity, and fear.
If the story is:
“If I disappoint someone, I’m unsafe or unlovable,”
Then the body responds with avoidance, people-pleasing, or shutdown.
Many of the men we work with have strong values, strong work ethics, and strong identities built around responsibility. Those traits aren’t the problem.
The problem is when the story becomes:
“I am only good if I am flawless, in control, and needed.”
That’s not discipline.
That’s a nervous system living under constant threat.
The Cost of Unexamined Stories
Unexamined stories eventually cost us relationships.
Not because we don’t care but because fear masquerades as principle.
In clinical practice, this often looks like:
• Emotional distance justified as “being strong”
• Control framed as “doing what’s right”
• Withdrawal labeled as “protecting others”
• Harsh self-judgment disguised as accountability
Over time, connection erodes, not due to lack of love, but because love gets buried under fear-driven narratives.
And the irony?
Most people are trying to protect what matters most.
Rewriting the Story Without Abandoning Values
A critical nuance Livewell emphasizes, and one we reinforce clinically, is this:
Challenging the story does not mean abandoning your values.
It means separating:
• Values from fear
• Boundaries from punishment
• Responsibility from shame
A healthier narrative might sound like:
• “I can hold boundaries and stay connected.”
• “I can be firm without being unreachable.”
• “I can believe in accountability without using fear as fuel.”
• “Love doesn’t disappear when things get messy.”
These stories don’t weaken structure, they stabilize it.
Why This Matters in Men’s Mental Health
Men are often taught, explicitly or implicitly, that:
• Strength means silence
• Leadership means certainty
• Fear means failure
So instead of asking, “Is this story true?”
They double down. But untreated anxiety doesn’t resolve through willpower. It resolves through clarity, regulation, and connection. At LiveWell, much of the work isn’t about changing behavior first, it’s about identifying the narrative underneath the behavior. Because once the story shifts, behavior follows.
A Question Worth Sitting With
“What story I’m telling myself right now?”
And just as important:
“Who taught me that story?”
Often, the narrative once served a purpose.
It helped you survive.
It helped you succeed.
It helped you stay upright.
But survival stories don’t always make good long-term maps.
Final Thought
Mental health isn’t about erasing fear, regret, or uncertainty.
It’s about not letting fear write the entire script.
The story you’re telling yourself today may not be wrong, but it may be incomplete. And sometimes, the most stabilizing thing we can do isn’t to grip tighter, rather, it’s to tell a truer story.
